Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I found a few words..

Here's a little peek into my heart and what I've been going though this past month..
I've been trying to figure out what to say, how to say it, what not to say...you get the point.
This post is one that is important for me to write but is extremely hard to actually type and read.

  Here we go
:::deep breath:::

 A dear family friend of our family passed away this past April from cancer. He was an amazing man of God. After his service my heart became really heavy for my dad. I didn't know if it was the thought of losing my dad and I couldn't imagine what life would be like without him or the thought of him becoming ill and seeing him suffer like our dear friend did.

I drove my dad crazy begging him to do to the doctor. He needed a physical and other tests done that he's never had before and I needed to know he was ok. I would leave notes on his desk saying "call the doctor" and mention it to him nearly every week..."hey dad, did you call the doctor yet?". I'm sure I was annoying but my heart was telling me to keep after him.

Finally, my mom made him an appointment and he went in. Everything came back great except for one thing, his PSA test. He went back in a second time and found that his numbers were rising and pretty high. A PSA test is to check for prostate cancer. My dad went in for a biopsy in the first week of September and we all pretty much knew that he had a very high chance of having cancer after the remarks his doctor made about the biopsy.

Last week my mom and dad went to meet with the doctor for the results. They confirmed that he does have cancer and that the only way to kill the horrific disease is surgery and it needs to be done in the next 8-10 weeks.

 Gulp.

My dad is going in for a bone scan and a CT scan this coming Monday, October 4th to ensure that the cancer has not spread to any other part of his body. Please join us in praying for all tests to come back negative. This is really big.

I know that prostate cancer is one of the most curable cancers out there. I've read all about it and done the research. The thing that is killing me is we don't know how long he has had this and it is a high grade tumor. No cancer is good and no one wants to hear that a loved one has it.

How are we doing? I think it's safe to say that his girls are having a tough time dealing with this. I cannot stand to see someone I love go through something like this. We all have our moments. I don't do well at all talking about it out loud. A lot of you who I have talked with can testify to this. I become a soppy wet mess and go through a box of kleenex in nothing flat. I don't know what it is. I listen to worship music and it hits me again. Spending time thinking about it like I am now is hard. I am not trying to avoid it by any means and I'm not in denial. I'm a very soft hearted girl and my emotions are hanging out there on my sleeve.

This is the journey we, as a family are on right now and we are going to get through it because the Lord is on our side. He is for us and He is so faithful to those who love Him. Our family has been so overwhelmed with the love and support of all our friends. It is so amazing to know that we have the support of 100s of people who are going to fight this battle with us. Thank you for being on your knees in prayer for my dad and our family. Thank you!

I love to write. (obviously) My dear friend who lost her dad to cancer 5 years ago encouraged me to start a journal. I've titled it "The Cancer Coaster". Chuck Obremski was her dad and was my Pastor, he would refer to his journey with cancer as "the cancer coaster". You are up, and down. There are good days and bad ones. I am going to journal my way through this journey. I'll talk about my feelings, what's going on, verses that people send my way, words of encouragement, words from the Lord...you name it, it will be in there. The goal of the journal is to write down what I am feeling, what the Lord is teaching me and to look back and see His faithfulness. One day I will pass it on to someone else who is in my shoes and has someone on the cancer coaster. Someone who needs a little hope, someone who needs to know it's ok if you sit in church and just cry and to know it's ok if you don't have the words to speak. It will be a book filled with prayers, pleads, tear stained pages, frustrations and real stories so they know that they too are not alone.

:::deep sigh:::

 So, that is it. This is where the Lord has us right now.
 It's uncomfortable, heart breaking, painful, scary &
 not very pretty but we are right where we are supposed to  be.
 We are in the center of God's will and He is going to teach us something huge through this.
 Talk about having Faith.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10





 If you or a loved one have not been to the doctor in the past 6 months,
it's time to get in and get checked out.
Life is precious, take care of it.



[this took me 3 days to type & finally press "publish"]

2 comments:

Welcome to our journey said...

Nikki-
Reading this reminded me of what I went through with my dad...keep the hope and know God will always be with you and your family. Your dad will be in my prayers.
Kristin (Hunter)Cser

esquiremomma said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. I will keep your father in my prayers. I know that the surgery will be successful and that he will be healed. Keep writing - you are so good at it! XOXO
Esquiremomma