Thursday, December 23, 2010

Bare with me..

Today was hard. It was really really hard. I went to visit my grandma Parker at the medical center she is being treated at for 10 bed sores and other issues. The last couple times I have gone to visit her she has been in a very deep sleep and I have not been able to talk to her which has been hard. I haven't had a conversation with her since last December. So, today when we got to her room and saw that she was awake I was encouraged. I was encouraged until I saw the shape she is in. She doesn't look like she should be alive. It's awful. I'll keep it at that.
My dad and the nurse tried to get her to sit up since she was laying with her head smashed against the bed rail and that is when I felt my heart literally shatter in pieces. The sounds that she made were the worst sounds I have ever heard. The agony she was in trying to move her was heart wrenching. There really are no words to explain the pain I felt for her. I stood in the hall outside her room praying as tears filled my eyes and a lump filled my throat. Tears are filling my eyes now just thinking about it and the pain she is in.
They got her to sit up in a chair and put her hair in a little pony tail and we walked back in. I kept staring at her wondering where my grandma went. She kept looking at me like she knew I was familiar but it didn't connect. She didn't realize that her first grand baby was there to see her and care for her. I just wanted to catch up with her and joke like we used to. She had no clue who Kate was, just said that she was really cute. She smiled at me and we had conversations that I couldn't even tell you what they were about. It was like talking with a small child who doesn't know what's going on. I fed her some lunch, held her hand and kissed her cheek and said goodbye.
Saying goodbye to her was so so so hard. I'm sure it was our last visit here on earth. As selfish as it sounds, there is no way I can go to see her again. I don't want to remember her like this. The only thing I can think of is the pain she is in and the sounds that come with it. My heart is in pieces tonight. To top it off, the place she is at now is the same place my Pops died. Just a hallway away from her bed...
There is nothing worse than seeing someone you love suffer. I went through this 3 years ago with my Pops. Watching him die killed a little part of me. And now I am doing it all over again with grandma. My mom hit it dead on today when she said, "there are worse things than dying". If that isn't the truth! I know the Lord is preparing us and I am praying that He comes and takes her home soon. Grandma knows Jesus. She never went to church or read the Bible much but she believes. I had many talks with her about Him when Pops was dying. I know where she is going and because of that my heart is at peace and I feel like I can let her go.

I am so thankful for precious memories. The ones where we would shop until we dropped, the ones of amazing Christmas dinners, the countless presents under the tree for sister and I, the you've never seen a girl so spoiled and the absolute love and joy that we all shared.

Grandma and Pops didn't have much but they had enough love to fill the United States and that is something I will never forget. I know that Grandma knows who I am deep down, I know that she loves me and I know that one day I will see her again and she will be healed and free. That fills my heart with joy and peace.

In the midst of my heartache there is hope, and that is in Christ alone.

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