Monday, February 21, 2011

oh, my heart

I'm about to be completely transparent. My heart is hurting. I can't help but look back at the past 20 years and cry. I'm crying because those days are gone and I will never ever get to experience them again. They were days filled with spending the weekend and weeks in the summer at my grandparents house, working on their farm, getting spoiled rotten and eating my heart out. They were days filled with so much laughter and joy. Those days are the reason why I am an animal lover, why I have the sense of humor I have, why I love deep and laugh often. I am crying because those days at my grandma and grandpa Parker's house are over. My grandma is dying and not expected to live through the week. She is suffering and she is ready to meet Jesus face to face. She has been ready for a while and the reality of her life coming to an end is hurting my heart. I will rejoice for her when she takes her last breath here on earth because I will know where she is. I know she will be healed and will be in the presence of her Maker. I am grieving at my loss. I have hardly had any time with her these past 3 years and the last time I saw her she didn't even know it was me. She would remind me each time we talked that I was her joy, I was that little girl she never had. I was her first princess. And now her joy, her little girl, her first princess can't bare to make it to her bedside to say one last goodbye, to kiss her forehead and tell her it's OK to let go. 
I wonder if she knows that she is about to meet Jesus. She has been begging Him to take her home since the day Pops died. And now her time is here. I can just picture the Lord getting her place in Heaven ready for her and when it is, He will call her home and the reunion they are going to have in Heaven will be amazing. Oh the joy she is about to experience! Her deep depression will be gone, her infections will be wiped away, she will be able to run on those streets of gold and wrap her arms around the One who made her. 
I am grieving my past because it is gone but so thankful for those precious memories that I made on my grandparents little farm. You don't realize how fast life is going until you look back at all the things that are gone. I would give anything to see my Pops hold Kate but I trust that he has had a glimpse of her from Heaven and I pray that my grandma gets a glimpse of how Kate has grown when she gets there.
So there it is, my wreck of a heart. The Lord has been so good to me and has brought a mighty peace to my soul with the situation. It doesn't take my hurt away but I am resting knowing that I know 100% that my grandma is going to hear the words "welcome home my good and faithful servant" when she takes her last breath and enters eternity. 
That's a good feeling.

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