Thursday, November 24, 2011

words on a page.

I'm not sure I have the words or if anything will make sense but I just needed some time to sit and write. My world turned upside down on Tuesday, November 22nd at 12:11 when I received a phone call. A phone call that I have been so fearful of my entire life. I was walking down Main Street USA with one of my best friends, my baby girl and her best friend. We were leaving Disneyland after a great day. My phone rang and it was the owner of my grandma's in home care company. She asked where my mom was and I asked if everything was ok. She told me that no, things are not fine and it's my grandpa. Panic started to set in as I asked what was wrong with him. She so calmly told me that he has had a massive heart attack and they needed my mom asap. I made a few phone calls, found my mom and was on my way down to get to my grandpa.

 As we were driving down we were told that he no longer had a pulse. I began to pray and ask God to give him a pulse, I began to beg Him for more time, cried out for Him to save my precious grandpa. Once we got to his bedside we learned that he had been without oxygen for 50 minutes, the DRs worked so long and hard on him and were speechless when his pulse came back. That pulse is what we prayed for, we knew that grandpas day had come but were so thankful to see his heart beating one last time so we could pray over him and all tell him goodbye. This all seems so surreal even as I type. When it was my turn to say goodbye I knelt next to him and whispered in his ear things that I knew he already knew but things that I could tell him day after day because he was so precious to me. I kissed his forehead and sat at his feet and rubbed his toes as he took his final breaths. I knew what was happening. Jesus was welcoming him into his eternal home and just like that he was gone and tears rolled down my face as I pictured where my grandpa was at that very moment. A little bit of peace filled my heart knowing that he is home but the rest of my heart is completely shattered.

My grandpa wasn't just any other grandpa. He was one of my best friends. We talked on the phone almost daily, sometimes twice a day. He is someone I called for advice, wisdom, when I needed someone to make me feel better or when I needed to vent. He was there, always. He called my cell phone more than anyone besides my husband. We skyped weekly and saw each other at least every other week. I knew this day would come, and cried every time I thought about it. Now that it's here, I'm not sure what to think or what to do. There is a void in my life now and it hurts so bad. I'm a girl who loves deep and that's why this hurts so bad. I'd rather love so much with all my heart and have it hurt than to not love at all.

You have no idea what I would give to have him here with us today. To sit around the table at our Thanksgiving dinner tonight and hold his hand. I could go on and on about the things I loved about this man but one of my favorites was listening to him pray. He could never make it though a prayer, even one as simple as a dinner prayer without breaking down and crying. His heart was so pure and so gentle. I can't put into words how different life is now that he is gone and how much we miss him already.

Today, I am thankful for my grandpas life and all that it meant to me. I'm thankful that I got to be by his side as his heart decided it was done beating and watch him pass from this life on earth to eternity in Heaven with Jesus.

I'm reminded of a verse that almost seems impossible in times of deep sorrow like now..

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

My grandpas home going was no surprise to the Lord, his entrance and exit on this earth was planned since the beginning of time and we will be joyful and give thanks to God for giving us 85 awesome years with him.

"For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
 weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
-Psalm 30:5

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with my precious grandpa.
I have so much to be thankful for.

1 comment:

Heidi Chandler said...

Nikki, my cheeks are covered in tears. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. All those who love you all are hurting with you. I wish there was something that I could do to help you all. Love you.