Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A peek inside my soul

So, here we are. Two weeks away from Will's due date and I will bet money that he will be here before then. So many things going through my mind like wondering if the contractions that I get almost daily are going to turn into the real thing or if my water is just going to randomly break and give me a heart attack. I selfishly have a list of things that I want to do/get done before he arrives and find myself quickly checking them off. The house is set, everything has been cleaned, polished, washed and cleaned again. We have everything in place for Will and have Kate set for her time away from us while we're in the hospital.
I've felt like I've had a cloud hanging over my head these past few months as we anticipate his arrival. A cloud of fear and anxiety. Fear that I am not going to handle the great task of being a mom of two young ones well, fear that Kate is going to feel pushed aside for all the demands that a newborn brings, fear of labor and delivery and the pain that goes with it. Anxiety with Chris starting school the week that Will is due and having him gone a big chunk of the time between work and school, anxiety of not having all my things done before he arrives and the list goes on with stupid things that have done nothing but rob my joy and and cause unnecessary junk to take over my mind.
I have finally been able to let it go. All of the things I mentioned above are lies from the enemy and how stupid I was to buy into them. I am most definitely going to have my hands full with being home and taking care of two little ones but what a joy and a honor it will be! I am soaking up every last second with Kate and enjoying our one on one time before her time with me is split. Sure there are going to be days where she doesn't get the attention she wants but isn't that just how life goes? Might as well learn it young! The Lord has been so faithful and has made this pregnancy easy and painless and I know that He is going to get me through labor and delivery just like he did the first time!
I've always said that God's timing is perfect and I believe it with all of my heart. I find His timing sometimes funny and not what we had in mind like with Chris finally starting grad school after he has talked about it for the past 8 years. Of course he would be going back to school the week our baby is due which also happens to be when busy season starts at the firm. You seriously just have to laugh. This is going to be a very busy season in our life and we are so thankful that we are surrounded by family and dears friends to push us through with their love, support and encouragement. I think about the military wives and them doing this all on their own and it shuts me up real quick.
This pregnancy has been a joy, I was hardly sick and it hasn't gotten in the way of me being hands on with Kate and doing the fun things that go along with having a two year old. I have so many emotions as I lay here and type this at almost 38 weeks pregnant with my baby boy squirming around in my belly. Not sure if this is the last time I will get to experience pregnancy and anticipating the arrival of our child, not sure if these kicks that I'm feeling from the inside and cherish are the last ones I will ever experience. I'm trying to soak in every last bit...the good and the hard things that come with it. There is a good chance that we will feel our family is complete once our son arrives although I know my husband is praying for one more. It will be exciting to see where God takes us on this new journey that we are about to embark on as a family of four. We are ready... even though my hair and nails still aren't done yet :)

Baby watch is on!

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