Monday, March 25, 2013

My box.

If you read my previous post you will know that I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Not just on how to figure out how to make teething as easy as possible naturally but thinking long and hard about my life. I'm going to dig down DEEP so grab an iced tea or a warm late' if you're in the snowy midwest!

Life is busy and messy and loud and lonely at our house these days. You're thinking, two kids and you're lonely? Yeah. I am. My sweet husband is working way too many hours for me to even try to count right now with him being an accountant. This is not the happiest time of the year. Thank God for sunshine. He's also in grad school full time so those two combined means he is never home. It's hard for all of us, especially since we are a tight knit family and we love spending time together. I adore my husband, our babies love their daddy almost more than anyone in the world and he loves all of us just as much. So, its hard when our hearts desire is to be with one another and it's not possible. I could go on but you get the picture, especially those of you who have spouses away with work or war. It's not easy, especially with two little ones. 

These past couple weeks have really worn on me. To the point of tears daily and being so lonely my heart just hurt. I cried out to the Lord all throughout the days asking for my joy to be restored, for a my a smile to be put back on my face and to just be genuinely happy again. I literally felt like a sob story...which if you know me is so not like me. I felt sorry for myself. Awkward. But I did.

A couple of nights ago I stood in my shower and cried my heart out, like wept. 
{side note: the shower is the best place to cry}

I said, LORD! FILL ME UP! I want my JOY back, I want to LOVE like you LOVE and LIVE the LIFE that You have for me! I want to be the best wife and mom, and daughter, sister and friend that I can be! But Lord, this is HARD!

I cried some more & then was just still, I let the water pour down on my face & it was if He was whispering to me... 
"My child, walk through these waters with Faith in Me and I will see you through..." 
That was it. I have been depending on my husband and my children and loved ones around me to satisfy my needs, to fill me up with joy and everything else and HELLO they're all human and whether they mean to or not, they will fail us.

My heart has done a 180 since that shower cry fest. It's like the Lord picked me up off the ground during a thunderstorm and placed me in the flower fields. No, things aren't perfect nor will they ever be but He has changed the tune of my heart strings and I am having to make a choice daily to depend on Him throughout the day in every circumstance that I come across.

This morning at Bible study it all came together. We are wrapping up a Beth Moore study and she was talking about our most treasured moments and our treasure box. The treasure that has been in my box recently hasn't been pretty. I've been carrying around frustration, sadness, loneliness, and stress. And I've been sharing all that crap with the ones I love. You know happy wife, happy life. Or if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. COME ON, life is too short and ain't nobody got time for that! It was such an encouragement to me to really think about my attitude, the words that are coming out of my mouth and the way I respond to certain situations. I'm working on filling my treasure box up with truth, joy, promises, and sweet sweet memories. I want to hold them close to my heart and be a woman who truly cherishes and savors each day, even when they aren't the best and be a light to my family and the world around me. 

We've only got one shot and tomorrow isn't promised so starting today I am choosing JOY.

What's in your treasure box that you're carrying around?


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