The truth is this season in life is wearing on me. More so mentally and spiritually.
I really miss having our own home. I could not ask for better in laws, this has nothing to do with who we're living with but how we are living. I am really missing having our own space, quiet times, family times and now that I'm in total nesting mode I'm sad that I don't have a nursery to put together and prepare for our newest little man. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for this time that we have to save for our southern home and have lots of space for the kids to play, until then it's just...different.
My attitude has not been nice lately. I feel like I'm always frustrated, short with those I love and complaining. That is not my hearts desire at all nor is it who I am. It's like a war going on in my heart, I want to be joyful through this time and get through this season...not just survive it but get through it well.
So many thoughts in my head about the months ahead. Chris getting through busy season at the firm, finishing grad school, bringing home a new baby, finding a job in Tennessee, finding a house in Tennessee, moving us across the country all in the next 7 months (but I want it sooner!) I seriously find myself with a racing and overwhelmed heart when I think about it all. But you know what? There is beauty in this mess and that's what I'm working on. Letting it go and letting God do His work.
It's a daily battle. Asking the Lord to pick up these pieces that I'm in and asking Him to continue to guide us and lead us and give us His wisdom so that we may follow His plan and stop freaking out over ours. I know that His is so much better, not always the easiest but I look back at ALL that He is done and say, "WOW! Look at what you've done Lord!" It's completely humbling and literally brings me to my knees....and sometimes all I can get out is a simple, thank you. And that's ok. As rough as this is on my heart right now, I believe God has me in this messy season for a reason. Bringing my heart back to one of thanksgiving, thanking Him for all the things He has done, the things He is currently doing...big and small and thanking Him for the things to come...because I know my God and He has good things for those who love and fear Him.
Life is good. We are so blessed. I don't want to lose sight of all of the joy God has given us. But I also am not going to try to fool myself or the world that this season we're in right now is easy. We all have our different battles, this is just mine right now. I know that God is going to do something big through this and I have a feeling it has to do with; learning to let things go better, trust, patience, and joy through all the unknown.
So while I'm over here freaking out that I don't have our own quiet home to bring our newborn home to, somebody pray for me to get over it.
This is just a season.
Thank you, Jesus!